Wednesday Progress Report

I've been thinking a bit about how I approached this project in January. I wanted to encourage "good habits" that would ultimately lead to my betterment. But I've come to realize (and this may have been obvious to everyone else already) that my resolutions each month are not habits to cultivate, but practices to maintain. In fact, I have only really formed one good habit this whole time, though I'd argue I've made great progress so far this year.

The difference between habit and practice is subtle but important. When I think of a habit, I think of something that one does without thinking about it first, without worrying about the outcome, without real conscious effort. In contrast, a practice, especially a daily practice, is something that takes forethought, effort, and willpower to maintain. In essence, the way I hoped I would improve myself was lazy. I hoped that I would be able to form these habits that would just sink in and easily make me a better and happier person, no more thinking or worrying about it once they'd sunk in. But I'm realizing that happiness and a better me doesn't take mindless action, it takes consistent willpower and conscious effort. I will need to keep this in mind in order to be successful from here forward. Glad I caught that!

My one good habit, incidentally, is flossing. I floss like a mutha now. I floss in my car (those Reach flossers are fabulous), at work, in my bathroom, sometimes in the shower. I don't know how I skipped this tiny step so often before, because now I can't stand to think of having something stuck between my teeth! I missed a couple of days when I was on my camping trip recently -- I thought I'd brought floss but it turned out the cartridge was empty! I told you I've been on it! -- and I felt nasty. But enough about my personal hygiene. (Sheepish grin.) I just wanted to show that I had formed a good habit with all of this.

As far as my focus practice, it's off and on successful, but I am maintaining it. This morning is a good example of a time that it did wonders for me. I did something a little bit different. Usually I just try to be still in my brain, try not to think about anything. (Very difficult, by the way.) But sometime last week I realized that I can think about something, as long as it's only one thing, and I think about it the entire time I am sitting there with my stomach engaged (still a crucial component of the practice, I believe). So this morning I imagined that I was a very small, bright ball of energy. When I inhaled, I (energy-ball, remember) became brighter and blue-white, and when I exhaled I became dimmer, pale yellow. The whole point of my exercise this morning was to try to feel like I was hiding behind my belly button. When I started the five minutes, I could not reign in my brain. I had so much going on in there. I counted five distractions before I made myself stop counting, breathe evenly, and concentrate on hiding myself behind my belly button.

It might sound weird, but it really calmed me. My breathing became deeper and slow. All of the millions of things bouncing around the inside of my skull vanished, and I just tried to hide behind that belly button. When I finished, my stomach muscles were still engaged. Then I started work and felt very calm, and immediately set about my first task. It was quite gratifying and I was very proud of myself. I'd say the practice is paying off.