August 2010: Focus, Grasshoppah...
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We live in a world where the ability to multitask is considered necessary for success. Filing papers? Why don't you also simultaneously update your computer software, book a hotel reservation for that conference via phone, and think about the subject of your next paper? Oh, and you just got an email. You could probably handle that before you're off the phone. Hmmm... Feinberg et al.... That goes in... this folder... "Yes, I'd like a non-smoking room, please..." Click "OK" to create a new directory.... Hmmm... but will NASA fund a paper on krill production...? "What? Oh, yes, I will be checking out on the 29th..." Hit reply, and.... Oh, that goes in the yellow folder...
This is my life. Multitasking isn't necessarily bad, but there should be limits. Especially since, for me, it's gone beyond just trying to get the business side of things taken care of. I always read or surf the web while eating. I watch a movie or listen to the radio while I knit. I listen to podcasts while I run. I'm even guilty of reading while on the phone sometimes. There are very few instances when I am just doing one thing, like enjoying my meal. I don't pay as much attention to any single thing as I should, because I've divided my attention between multiple things in an attempt to get more done, simply out of habit.
More disturbing is the absolutely terrifying deterioration of my memory these past four or five years. I used to have what I considered an excellent memory, and could recall conversations almost verbatim (much to the chagrin of my boyfriends at the time, I'm sure), and even recall details like the shirt color of someone walking next to us as we talked. But now, I'm lucky if I can remember a trip that I took last year. Or some short conversation I had yesterday. This has all started sliding ever more quickly downhill since I began grad school.
At first, I was afraid that I was filling my brain too full and things like conversations and small tasks were just low on the totem pole for things I needed to store up there. But now, I read scientific papers and take notes on them and understand them and think about them, file them away covered in ink and post-it notes, and a month later print out another copy, read it as if I had never seen it, and re-file it. Then want to break out in tears when I see the earlier copy in that folder, realize that I have very little memory of ever having read this paper before, despite the fact that I CLEARLY have, and wonder what is happening to my brain. I'm only 29. That's too early for Alzheimer's to set in, right? RIGHT??
So what's going on? Is my brain too full? I seriously doubt that. Very, very seriously. Is it stress? I have a friend who mentioned reading a scientific article about the effects of stress on graduate students' recall. (I need to find the reference.) That is probably part of it. I certainly become absent-minded when I am really stressed out, and I am stressed a lot of the time now. I remember when I was studying for my oral exams and the week before the test I had to stop driving because I was so absent-minded I was afraid I would cause an accident. I made the decision after sailing right through a stop sign on my oft-traveled way home. It was kind of nice, the Man chauffeured me the whole week... But unsettling nonetheless.
I think the problem is a lack of focus. I could be wrong in my recollection (and goodness knows that's the norm nowadays), but I don't remember feeling before grad school that my brain was pulled in as many directions. On bad days, it feels like my brain is a small bird that has accidentally flown into a glass house, and is trying frantically to escape, throwing itself against the walls over and over, switching directions suddenly, its efforts becoming more and more desperate. I can hardly have a normal conversation anymore, much less remember specifics about it later.
It turns out, I seem to have almost completely lost my ability to focus on anything for very long. It's frustrating and somewhat scary. I watch TV and have ideas for books I'd like to write, things I'd like to knit, ideas about coding issues I'm dealing with, thoughts about who I should call because I haven't talked to them in so long, and then the episode of what I'm watching is over, and I can't remember what the beginning was about. The worst thing, I think, is that sometimes when I have conversations, I can be looking right at the other person and be thinking a million different things and not be actively listening to what my friend is saying.
No wonder my recall is shot! I don't even give my brain a chance to record things for future access because my current train of thought is speeding and jumping the tracks, taking its passengers to destinations other than those printed on their boarding passes. My brain is out of control, and it's time to reign it in.
The Plan:
I think my ability to focus is like a muscle that has atrophied. If this is true (and I hope to God that's the problem I have here), it should also be receptive to practiced use and redevelopment. So I propose the following:
Every morning (or more often if I feel like my brain is morphing into that little bird again), I will sit still for five minutes (a duration that will be extended in the future) and practice focus. This is not an exercise to calm myself or practice any spirituality or anything like that. I am attempting to regain control of my brain, to grab the reigns that I have apparently thrown aside, and practice pulling back on the horses so bent on running all over town.
In order to maintain focus, I must have something on which to focus for the full duration. I also need some way to know when I have lost focus. So what I will do (well, this is a late post, so I am already doing it) is sit on the ground, legs crossed, back straight. I engage my stomach muscles, and hold them in place the full five minutes. I think this is a good method because I'm not flexing my muscles hard, and I'm not sucking anything in, just actively engaging them. So it doesn't take much energy, and I don't release the muscles out of fatigue. A benefit of the muscle technique is that I am aware of the times that I lose focus and my mind wanders, because my stomach muscles are loose. (This is the reason I'm not focusing solely on my breath -- you continue to breathe even when you're not focusing on it, and you might not be aware that you've lost focus if you're only paying attention to your breath.)
To really drive the effort home, I also intend to pay full attention and be an active listener when having a conversation or attending a seminar or while engaged in any other activity that requires attention and focus. It's embarrassing to even put down that I need to make a conscious effort to LISTEN to the people talking to me. But it's really gotten that out of hand.
Past resolution progress:
January -- I have maintained my budget all the way until this month, but just blew it. I did so willingly, and fully aware that I was going to be spending too much, because I am going on a trip... to CAIRO! And I deserve it! Aside from the price of the trip, I have stuck to my budget, but still need to pay close attention so I can pay for the rest of this trip!
February -- I have begun running again, but in spurts. I want to get this goal back, I am not dreading it. But I haven't been making it a real priority. I will reapply myself this month. (I am doing more Bikram's Yoga, though, so at least I'm not just sitting around the whole time. But still. The goal was to run, not do yoga.)
March -- Writing has been going better, especially since I found 750words. But I am obviously still not that regimented about the way I handle this blog. So from now on I am going to try to have a schedule, MWF, where I write about something either crafty or interesting that I found on Mondays, progress on Project Resolution on Wednesdays, and show you something from my gratitude journal on Fridays. With that skeleton of a schedule set, I will be able to add things that I find interesting or want to share on other days.
April -- Cola habit. It's back. I hate to say it, but I still drink soda, though I haven't been going as hog-wild on it as I was before. This will be an area of continuous improvement and work for me. But I am conscious of it, at least.
May -- Family connections. I do make a phone call a week to someone in the family, but haven't done all I want to do. This, too, will be an area of continuous effort. But that is worth it. And speaking of family, I have a camping trip with the Man, my mom, and her Man coming up in a couple of days, and I am very excited!
June -- Self-forgiveness. I work on this every day, but have to be careful not to forgive too much! (See April success above...)
July -- The little things. I am pleased to say that I was very successful with July, and continue to do everything from that month. I ride about 5 miles a day to work on my bike (most days... probably 90-95%) I floss every night (there have only been about 3 days since July 1 that I have missed). The results are great! I don't feel like I have morning breath very often anymore, and I VERY rarely experience any sensitivity in my gums, so this was a quick goal to effect noticeable change. And finally, the sit ups. I got bored with 10 a day, so I started doing at least 30, and I ended up doing at least 30 in the morning and often another set at night. I read a lot that sit ups don't give you very good results... that seems to be the mantra of girly health magazines -- maybe they just want to sell you new exercises, because I can already see way more definition (especially in my obliques) than I have seen in a while. I love doing them as soon as I get to my office in the morning. And it helps me want to get there earlier, since I wouldn't want anyone to catch me at them under my desk!
Stay tuned for Friday's Gratitude post!
This is my life. Multitasking isn't necessarily bad, but there should be limits. Especially since, for me, it's gone beyond just trying to get the business side of things taken care of. I always read or surf the web while eating. I watch a movie or listen to the radio while I knit. I listen to podcasts while I run. I'm even guilty of reading while on the phone sometimes. There are very few instances when I am just doing one thing, like enjoying my meal. I don't pay as much attention to any single thing as I should, because I've divided my attention between multiple things in an attempt to get more done, simply out of habit.
More disturbing is the absolutely terrifying deterioration of my memory these past four or five years. I used to have what I considered an excellent memory, and could recall conversations almost verbatim (much to the chagrin of my boyfriends at the time, I'm sure), and even recall details like the shirt color of someone walking next to us as we talked. But now, I'm lucky if I can remember a trip that I took last year. Or some short conversation I had yesterday. This has all started sliding ever more quickly downhill since I began grad school.
At first, I was afraid that I was filling my brain too full and things like conversations and small tasks were just low on the totem pole for things I needed to store up there. But now, I read scientific papers and take notes on them and understand them and think about them, file them away covered in ink and post-it notes, and a month later print out another copy, read it as if I had never seen it, and re-file it. Then want to break out in tears when I see the earlier copy in that folder, realize that I have very little memory of ever having read this paper before, despite the fact that I CLEARLY have, and wonder what is happening to my brain. I'm only 29. That's too early for Alzheimer's to set in, right? RIGHT??
So what's going on? Is my brain too full? I seriously doubt that. Very, very seriously. Is it stress? I have a friend who mentioned reading a scientific article about the effects of stress on graduate students' recall. (I need to find the reference.) That is probably part of it. I certainly become absent-minded when I am really stressed out, and I am stressed a lot of the time now. I remember when I was studying for my oral exams and the week before the test I had to stop driving because I was so absent-minded I was afraid I would cause an accident. I made the decision after sailing right through a stop sign on my oft-traveled way home. It was kind of nice, the Man chauffeured me the whole week... But unsettling nonetheless.
I think the problem is a lack of focus. I could be wrong in my recollection (and goodness knows that's the norm nowadays), but I don't remember feeling before grad school that my brain was pulled in as many directions. On bad days, it feels like my brain is a small bird that has accidentally flown into a glass house, and is trying frantically to escape, throwing itself against the walls over and over, switching directions suddenly, its efforts becoming more and more desperate. I can hardly have a normal conversation anymore, much less remember specifics about it later.
It turns out, I seem to have almost completely lost my ability to focus on anything for very long. It's frustrating and somewhat scary. I watch TV and have ideas for books I'd like to write, things I'd like to knit, ideas about coding issues I'm dealing with, thoughts about who I should call because I haven't talked to them in so long, and then the episode of what I'm watching is over, and I can't remember what the beginning was about. The worst thing, I think, is that sometimes when I have conversations, I can be looking right at the other person and be thinking a million different things and not be actively listening to what my friend is saying.
No wonder my recall is shot! I don't even give my brain a chance to record things for future access because my current train of thought is speeding and jumping the tracks, taking its passengers to destinations other than those printed on their boarding passes. My brain is out of control, and it's time to reign it in.
The Plan:
I think my ability to focus is like a muscle that has atrophied. If this is true (and I hope to God that's the problem I have here), it should also be receptive to practiced use and redevelopment. So I propose the following:
Every morning (or more often if I feel like my brain is morphing into that little bird again), I will sit still for five minutes (a duration that will be extended in the future) and practice focus. This is not an exercise to calm myself or practice any spirituality or anything like that. I am attempting to regain control of my brain, to grab the reigns that I have apparently thrown aside, and practice pulling back on the horses so bent on running all over town.
In order to maintain focus, I must have something on which to focus for the full duration. I also need some way to know when I have lost focus. So what I will do (well, this is a late post, so I am already doing it) is sit on the ground, legs crossed, back straight. I engage my stomach muscles, and hold them in place the full five minutes. I think this is a good method because I'm not flexing my muscles hard, and I'm not sucking anything in, just actively engaging them. So it doesn't take much energy, and I don't release the muscles out of fatigue. A benefit of the muscle technique is that I am aware of the times that I lose focus and my mind wanders, because my stomach muscles are loose. (This is the reason I'm not focusing solely on my breath -- you continue to breathe even when you're not focusing on it, and you might not be aware that you've lost focus if you're only paying attention to your breath.)
To really drive the effort home, I also intend to pay full attention and be an active listener when having a conversation or attending a seminar or while engaged in any other activity that requires attention and focus. It's embarrassing to even put down that I need to make a conscious effort to LISTEN to the people talking to me. But it's really gotten that out of hand.
Past resolution progress:
January -- I have maintained my budget all the way until this month, but just blew it. I did so willingly, and fully aware that I was going to be spending too much, because I am going on a trip... to CAIRO! And I deserve it! Aside from the price of the trip, I have stuck to my budget, but still need to pay close attention so I can pay for the rest of this trip!
February -- I have begun running again, but in spurts. I want to get this goal back, I am not dreading it. But I haven't been making it a real priority. I will reapply myself this month. (I am doing more Bikram's Yoga, though, so at least I'm not just sitting around the whole time. But still. The goal was to run, not do yoga.)
March -- Writing has been going better, especially since I found 750words. But I am obviously still not that regimented about the way I handle this blog. So from now on I am going to try to have a schedule, MWF, where I write about something either crafty or interesting that I found on Mondays, progress on Project Resolution on Wednesdays, and show you something from my gratitude journal on Fridays. With that skeleton of a schedule set, I will be able to add things that I find interesting or want to share on other days.
April -- Cola habit. It's back. I hate to say it, but I still drink soda, though I haven't been going as hog-wild on it as I was before. This will be an area of continuous improvement and work for me. But I am conscious of it, at least.
May -- Family connections. I do make a phone call a week to someone in the family, but haven't done all I want to do. This, too, will be an area of continuous effort. But that is worth it. And speaking of family, I have a camping trip with the Man, my mom, and her Man coming up in a couple of days, and I am very excited!
June -- Self-forgiveness. I work on this every day, but have to be careful not to forgive too much! (See April success above...)
July -- The little things. I am pleased to say that I was very successful with July, and continue to do everything from that month. I ride about 5 miles a day to work on my bike (most days... probably 90-95%) I floss every night (there have only been about 3 days since July 1 that I have missed). The results are great! I don't feel like I have morning breath very often anymore, and I VERY rarely experience any sensitivity in my gums, so this was a quick goal to effect noticeable change. And finally, the sit ups. I got bored with 10 a day, so I started doing at least 30, and I ended up doing at least 30 in the morning and often another set at night. I read a lot that sit ups don't give you very good results... that seems to be the mantra of girly health magazines -- maybe they just want to sell you new exercises, because I can already see way more definition (especially in my obliques) than I have seen in a while. I love doing them as soon as I get to my office in the morning. And it helps me want to get there earlier, since I wouldn't want anyone to catch me at them under my desk!
Stay tuned for Friday's Gratitude post!
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