Notes on Running and Self Image

My last run was different from all of my runs since I started running at the beginning of February.

I was listening to a new podcast, The Naked Scientist, and walking out the door with my running shoes laced up. I looked at my Couch-to-5K plan for the day and was surprised to see that I was only going to run 18 minutes, with two walking sessions. My last run was 20 minutes straight, no walking (and I was VERY proud of myself). So when I saw that the plan was a much easier run, I thought, "Great, no problem. This should be a piece of cake."

But was it..?

The funny thing is, it wasn't. It was mentally VERY difficult. I wasn't breathing hard, but for some reason I was ACHING to stop. My legs felt fine, but my brain was yelling at me to just walk a bit, just take a break, stop stOP STOP!! I have had great success recently as I have progressed from 60 seconds of straight running to 20 minutes -- my brain has been relatively quiet. But on this day, when I wasn't expecting any real challenge, I was for some reason thrust back into the old mindset.

What was it about this day that was different? Well, I hadn't had breakfast -- strike one. But as I said, it wasn't really my body that was struggling, and there had been other times that I hadn't eaten recently. Hm... the podcast piping through my earbuds was less engrossing than the ARW podcasts I usually listen to. So there's something. 

But I think the essence of the problem came from what I expected of the day's workout, and of myself. In general, I prepare for a workout by first acknowledging that the work will be difficult. I remind myself why I am doing the work. Then I think about how good I will feel when I have finished it successfully. And then I run. This time, however, I left the house with a careless mindset. "It'll be easy," I had thought. And I just... went. No envisioning the success at the end, no acknowledging that it would be difficult, and certainly no meditation on or reinforcement of why it is important for me to complete the workout. I expected success to come easily.

Why didn't full belief in myself yield a workout without mental hitches? 

I grew up in the 80's and 90's, when the idea of self-esteem began to have a dominant influence on interactions in schools, daycares, and most other kid-related spaces. Our fragile little egos couldn't handle negative talk, apparently. Over my head, adults debated the merits of the self-esteem movement, while I received a lot of positive talk from nearly every corner. As I grew older, the emphasis on encouraging positive self-esteem in young children to young adults became more and more obvious. When I was able to recognize it around me, the incessant positive talk and reinforcement of a positive self image began to sound weak and whiny. Especially in those cases where the student/child really just needed to be disciplined for having done something wrong. Instead, the negative outcomes and personal responsibility were decoupled repeatedly in order to preserve a positive self-image for the youth:

"Oh no, it's not that you don't understand, it's that the teacher didn't teach it right. Don't feel bad about yourself. I'll just write a smiley face on your paper."

"Well, the reason that you hit Sally is that you were feeling unloved, and so you were acting out. It's OK. Let me give you a hug."

I remember wanting to shout at these adults, "No! The reason that student got a bad score is that he didn't study. Give him a bad grade so he will work harder next time." or "No, she hit Sally because she is cranky from too little sleep the night before when you let her stay up too late so you wouldn't make her feel less important than the grown-ups. Make her apologize and put her down for a nap."

Maybe those are silly examples, but I remember thinking that the self esteem movement, at least to the degree it was being practiced when I was growing up, couldn't coexist with an upbringing where discipline was exercised. It had to be one or the other. Now, I see that a balance can be struck, as long as you don't go too far in either direction.

My experience on the run the other day reinforced for me that positive self-talk, or the sincere belief in your own abilities, is not adequate for success. In this case, my justified belief that I should have no problem with this run led me to abandon what discipline I had built up that allowed me to prepare for the upcoming challenge by anticipating difficulties, re-evaluating the importance/relevance of my goal, and envisioning success. On the other hand, if I constantly tell myself I can't do something, I am always right. So for running, and plenty other areas of my life, I need to strike an appropriate balance of positive self image and discipline to get the job done.

And I need to listen to a different podcast.