February Resolution

My year-long resolution to achieve a happier me continues...  
February 2010: Run until I love it again (or can at least tolerate it)
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I used to run a lot. When I say "used to," I am pretty much referring to high school track. Which was now over a decade ago. I don't know that I ever LOVED running, but I know that there was a time when it felt more or less natural, and the prospect of running 6 miles didn't scare the bejesus out of me.

Those days are long gone now. Sigh. Long, long gone.

Still, I couldn't help but feel ever so slightly jealous when I'd see people running around town on a nice day. Everyone who runs looks so... fit. And happy! I'd think, I want that! So I resolved to make running a part of my weekly schedule, starting in February. For three days a week (at least to start), I would go running.

Plan to Action
Full disclosure: I have actually tried to start running again several times and have always failed. The last few times I tried to revive a running habit, I lasted no more than three outings (and that is probably being generous...) I attribute these spectacular failures to several things:

1. My brain is mean to me when I run. No, really. My brain is SO negative, telling me constantly, "You can't do it, let's just rest, look how hard you're breathing, and it's only been... 45 seconds? This is a waste of time. Let's go have a soda and watch some TV, hmmm?" And so far, every time my brain has been right. I have stopped running after very embarrassingly short amounts of time, and walked home. Every time I would end a workout prematurely, I would walk back, shoulders slumped, almost wanting to cry, I felt so defeated and worthless. Not much motivation to try again.
2. I had gone without a solid plan, just figured I'd run until I was tired, and then try to run longer the next time I went out. While I still think this is a fine way to start (by listening to your body and finding your limits), I felt completely deflated when I would look at my watch and see that I had gotten really tired and stopped after only a minute of running. (See #1.)
3. I paid too much attention to the watch when I was starting, those times when I DID have a plan. So, for instance, one time I tried to rekindle my running routine by starting with intervals of walking and running, just starting out with 1:30 running, 1:00 walking. It was a good plan. But I kept looking at my watch and would again get discouraged when I thought I was almost done but realized I was only 1/3 of the way through a running interval, and I would stop early.
4. I expected to pick up where I left off. This expectation shows up in my life a lot; I want to be as good at things that I have abandoned as when I left them, and that is just unreasonable.

As you can see, all of my hangups about running were completely mental. When I realized this during January as I was formulating my next month's goals, I understood that I needed to address these issues and challenge myself to run. Appreciating that this was both a physical and mental challenge allowed me to plan better and anticipate pitfalls so that I would not fail as easily this time around. Additionally, my whole year-long process would suffer if I failed at my second month goal, so there was more incentive to follow through and not scrap the rest of the year. I want to keep this project rolling!

In order to plan for a successful running program, I had to first allow myself to lower my expectations about the way I would start off, and forgive myself when it was hard and I felt embarrassed. The only embarrassing thing, I told myself, is letting my own brain talk me out of doing something I want to do. I'm the boss of me! I decided on the Couch-to-5K program, which begins with very short running intervals interspersed with walking and builds you up to a solid 30 minutes of running. The first workout was 60 seconds running, 90 seconds walking for 20 minutes. Not too hard, but still difficult enough to challenge a person who doesn't run at all. Adopting reasonable expectations for my situation, check! Solid plan, check!

Next, I needed to make sure I wasn't in charge of the timekeeping -- one fewer avenue of self-defeat. Lucky for me, I have an iPhone. I found the Couch-to-5K app, which allows you to play your own playlist while providing audio cues to run or walk, warm up or cool down. Good. No watch, check!

Now, for the negative self-talk, I just had to exercise some willpower. I figured this part would become easier as I went, building confidence as I increased my fitness.

Benefits
I LOVE RUNNING! After only one month, I became totally hooked. I really couldn't believe it. After the first week, with very short intervals, I wanted to run more and more, and actually had to sternly tell myself that I had wanted to do 3 days a week, and to maintain this as a habit for the long haul, I needed to not overdo it. I am still shocked that I have had to talk myself out of running on several occasions when I was supposed to be resting.

KNOWLEDGE! My first hurdle came during my first week when I was having lots of trouble with the negative self-talk. I was running with music that I knew well, and when a song was halfway over, I knew how long I had been out running and my brain would turn on and tell me that I was tired, I didn't need to run anymore... The third day of the first week I switched from music playlists to podcasts by American Radio Works, to avoid knowing how much time had passed while running. I figured I could fool my brain while educating it. I was very pleased to find that I could run without being as worried about how long I'd been going, all the while listening to documentaries about shopping patterns, the attack on Pearl Harbor, even the assassination of Robert Kennedy. (I have to warn you, though, that sometimes you might get too involved if you go this route... I was listening to the documentary, "Campaign '68," which covered both Kennedy's and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s assassinations, and I cried, which probably looked really odd to passersby as I slowly jogged past them with tears coming down my face, nodding to points made by the documentary narrator.) *

FITNESS! I am only up to 20 minutes of running now, but I feel like I can run longer. And I think back to only a few weeks ago when I was struggling with the 60-second intervals... it is incredible, how quickly your body can adapt to small changes. And that's what this whole thing is about, right? Small, sustainable changes for a better me?

Success and Progress
What can I say but that I am still running and look forward to every run? It's almost mid-March now and I am still going strong. I usually would have quit by now. I will probably enter a 5K this summer. I am so excited! I am also actively exercising not only willpower but also my ability to quiet some of the meaner. de-motivating self-talk that holds me back in other areas of my life, too.

January update: Still coming in under budget. I have moved most of my credit card debt to 0% interest cards and am now putting all of my saved money toward extra payments on my car. When I am finished paying that off (at this rate, another 7 months, a YEAR ahead of schedule), I will roll all of the money I had been putting toward my car to break up the debt on my credit cards and will be almost debt-free (excepting student loans) by the end of the year.

Project Resolution has already made me happier, and I have 10 more opportunities to improve this year!

*My best friend has run a marathon and triathlon and told me that when training for long-distance runs, it might be best to listen to nothing at all, to ensure that you will be able to handle the distractions your mind engineers during long stretches. But for now, I think I am OK with this little crutch. I am still in the confidence-boosting phase.